Spell to Banish Shame
At the age of eleven
I survived sexual assault
it nearly broke me
but here I stand ready
to count my blessings
owning where I come from
makes the life I now enjoy
all the more profound
oldest of four
math prodigy
family's poor
all hopes on me
just ten years old
taking the SAT
I 800 the math
won camp scholarship
CTY Ireland
can't afford flight
but "uncle" Jack's Irish
with leprechaun money
so he'll chaperone
summer camp joy
with irish accents
and I meet aditya
on the way home
alone with Jack
amsterdam layover
in a single night Jack
the ripper named Roger
tore my soul apart
Jack had riches, Jack had wealth
he'd share with my family if
I'd just keep quiet
so I went split-brained
my gaze gone wall-eyed
when I tried to smile
just my right lip curled
left-brain dominant
narrative control
nothing had happened
suppress and deny
alone, apart, ashamed
I lie to others like
I lie to myself
hide from my family
hide from my friends
let no one see me
everyday's a struggle
and god's long dead
cuz Jack's a priest
college plans awry
free from home
I bounce between
willful striving and
self-destruction
porn, porn, weed,
K2, games,
cigs, porn, porn,
games, porn, porn,
booze, weed, porn,
mephedrone,
DXM,
porn, cigs, weed,
get me out
my body
barely an honor student
coasting on past awards
grades in shambles
scholarships on the line
a bit of blotter paper and
oh what's all this light?
what do I fear in my body?
ahhhh just my heartbeat
what just happened?
leary, ram dass, wilson
books leading me to light
meditation, psychedelics
brain reconnecting
I get my smile back
aditya invites me
to hackNY I go
internship to full time
drop out of school
meet my partner
sweet new york life
good enough for now
still in denial but
better day by day
partner's depressed
I'm here to help
work, practice, meditate
work, practice, meditate
support my family
mdma, cuddles, polyamory
making up for lost time
work, practice, meditate
work, practice, meditate
support my family
ayahuasca comes calling
I sit for ceremony
too scared to listen
I shut it all out
good enough for now
still in denial but
better day by day
work, practice, meditate
work, practice, meditate
support my family
mushrooms, circling, astrology
reaching for meaning
work, practice, meditate
work, practice, meditate
family debt free!!!
living large but adrift
try to have it all but
get heartbroken
therapy, emdr, trauma
searching for the truth
second time now
ayahuasca comes calling
this time I listen
hydrophobia cured
gets my attention
five ceremonies in peru
dad stuff, mom stuff
wow wow wow
jack stuff? no
nothing had happened
good enough for now
still in denial
but better day by day
quit my job
start a company
covid monk mode
shut it down
rejoin crypto
get on twitter
mdma, mushrooms, ifs
discovering integrity
third time now
ayahuasca comes calling
jack stuff? again?
scared to plunge
can't deny now
purge so deep
his foulness out
angels at vibecamp
5 comes calling
can't deny now
shake scream sob
retch barf puke
jack's filth get out
the strange bliss of
feeling clean and clear
body free of conflict
pulses pleasure
I may never remember beyond dinner
when he offered me wine but
my body kept the score
Will I forgive?
Will I understand?
I don't know yet
but I'll count my blessings
jack died and my silence bought
three siblings college tuition
my mom came from Taiwan
and in one single generation
her kids did the American dream